mentally strong?

running is a mental sport. something i keep having to learn over and over and over again. don't get me wrong, i love to run. i love the solitude, i love hearing my feet hit the pavement, how my muscles have learned to bend and stretch just right and, after a good run how my legs ache all over. but, i accomplished something different in running this weekend, something as difficult mentally as it was physically. well, maybe just more mentally. there i was, staring down this never ending dirt road in the breaking dawn time frame where everything is hazy and the temperature drops. this road was dusty and slippery and with my sleep deprived body i started with one foot in front of the other. one mile down. "tap me out" i yelled to my husband as i caught up to the now gray denali. "keep going! you're doing great!" not really, i grumbled and took a sip of water. the truck took off and my heavy legs were not easing into my familiar gait. i played catch up with the truck again, this time throwing my headlamp and vest inside to my fellow team mates. i slowed to a walk to rinse the dust from my mouth and to have a drink. i don't know how i'm going to do this. this is too hard. my legs are tired i am tired and i want to stop. i adjusted my running shirt over my cold fingers and started to run again. another mile down, i was passed this time, luckily by a man with a sponsor. i saw the truck again... if i could only make it there. i was met by a team mate, water and support. after rinsing my mouth i started the running. again my gait was not there. my legs were still so heavy and i just kept thinking one foot in front of the other. another mile and another team mate to reach. i didn't want to keep going. i threw my water belt into the car, placed a jelly belly of caffeine on my tongue and took off again. i couldn't give up but how could i keep this up. i said a prayer. i wanted to finish so badly. i didn't want to let my friends and team members down. one foot in front of the other. girl was walking, i actually passed someone? another mile and another team mate to give me water and words of support. i can do this right? my body is strong. i am strong. this is an amazing song on my play list. i start singing out loud and letting my feet hit to the beat of the music. "you are over half way done!" the dusty black denali yelled at me. really? maybe i can do this. maybe i will do this after all. i could see the flashing blue post in the distance. just over one and a half miles left. i waved my support on and said meet me at the finish. my gait picked up. the relentless hill i was climbing gave way to a burst of down hill speed and i didn't stop. my prayer was heard, the caffeine fed my tired legs and out of pure desire my body pushed me on. i felt like a million angels were behind me, excited to cross and make my goal with me. i could no longer feel my legs. that beautiful sensation of a sprint took over and i took off onto a smaller trail. i could hear the crowd at the exchange and i was smelling food. i could have done with out that. i rounded the last bend, up this hill was all i could think. i made it up the hill, turned and with my next team member in sight i started removing my bracelet and number. i had made it. i worked through the biggest mental block i have had and i came out in a dead sprint. my brother in law took the bracelet from me and placed the number around his waist. i was so happy i even kissed his cheek! thanks! i breathlessly said to him and then he was off. just like that, i was done. i wanted to cry and throw up all at the same time but instead i started walking to the truck to support on the rest of my team.

i sat in relief society the next day, listening to a lesson on goals, desire and help from a father in heaven and started to tear up. events from this leg of my race took on an all too familiar pattern. a pattern we know as life. isn't it always right before we are to give up, when things are just too overwhelming, we turn to our father in heaven in prayer and ask for guidance and strength? i knew i could run, that wasn't the question i had, it was if my mind would let me. i had done all i could to work through my mental wall only to find it wasn't enough and i prayed that i would be able to reach my goal. i prayed in my state of weakness and exhaustion and with that prayer i was given answers to so much more than just finishing the race. my legs took over and with the words of support from my team in my head i finished strong. that's the way it is, isn't it. we are beaten down by this world every day. things come at us that we didn't know we could overcome and yet we do. and all this time we are surrounded by people we love and who love us and support our every move. church members, family and friends are all there, along side of us in the support vehicle to hand us water and jelly bellies and words of encouragement. and, just when their words are dying down and we are left alone is when we turn to our loving heavenly father who will always give us the strength to reach our desires and goals in this world. a beautiful lesson learned, i just wish i could have learned it with a little less mileage and a little less elevation gain.