miracles

i had the full intention to get up and run this morning. after the hustle of getting the kids ready and out the door and taking carpool to school my body told me to stop. i could feel it in my fingers, i could feel it in my toes i could feel it in my breath and the blinking of my eyes. so, i marched my legs up the stairs, laid down in my bed and thought about everything and nothing all at the same time. i am worn out, physically i'm sore from working out, emotionally i'm spent from tears that are on call to come as soon as needed, spiritually from the pouring out of my soul to my heavenly father and just plain tired from the roller coaster of faith and doubt and sorrow and joy that i have been on. last wednesday we got a call that eric's father was to be rushed into open heart surgery, the outcome of his 10 + hour surgery wasn't known. we were told to come as soon as we could and while on the 6 hour road trip the calls coming to our cell phones were full of doubts, tears and sorrow. i couldn't pray, i couldn't speak, i couldn't process and i don't even know where eric's head was. he just needed to get there. after around 4 hours of driving in the dark i finally found my prayer, i finally knew how to pray in this situation, i found the voice i could talk to my father in heaven with. i asked him for a small grace. a small grace that robert's son could be beside him once more. and then that was it. i didn't know what else to say. just passed midnight las vegas time i dropped eric at the hospital, not knowing any more than that, i turned the car towards my in-laws home to place my sleeping children into beds.
we made the drive thinking we were to plan a funeral the next day. there was blood loss, irreversible damage to organs, old repairs gone awry, too much time under sedation, too much time under a controlled chill, all this as the surgeon tried to repair his damaged heart. what was the outcome to be, what were we to think and hope for as the surgeon relayed the news to my mother in law? he is weak, he may not come back.
the next day came and went as we ticked off the imaginary boxes the surgeon gave us. he is trying to breathe over the ventilator, check, he is wiggling his toes, check, he is wiggling his fingers, check, his bleeding has been controlled, check. we made our way to his recovery room, level two, cardiac icu. he laid there swollen from the fluids that were being pumped into his body to save his life and we gathered and talked over him, held his hands, touched his feet, watched in heart ache as this man we all love struggled to come back to us.
we had a good day, he was responsive, he spoke in a raspy growl that the tube of the ventilator had left him, and told us of his love for us. he held georgia's hand, dylan's hand and andrew's hand and expressed his love for them. it was more than any of us had hoped for. a miracle, a beautiful moment of grace for those who weren't ready to say goodbye. so much hope and love filled room 223, so much more than we had thought possible just a few days before.
we had some bad days. bleeding again, loss of blood pressure, he was so tired, his lungs didn't want to fill with air, his kidneys are now failing. the family gathered and the boys stood around their father to administer a blessing through the priesthood power which all of them hold. a blessing of comfort, a small promise if we just kept our faith. what kind of faith would we need? the kind of faith to say goodbye? that it is his time to join his father in heaven? or is it the faith that brings power, that creates miracles? we all fell to our knees that night, unbeknownst to one another we silently poured our souls to our loving heavenly father. i couldn't leave that day, it was monday. robert still laid on his hospital bed now with the threat of pneumonia his head was engulfed in a mask which helped him breathe. his eyes fluttered and there was some response to voice but he was not there with us. he was fighting a battle of his own, to stay or to go. i laid with dylan that night and asked him if he could speak to the angels for me. he said yes. i asked him if he could ask them to ask heavenly father to help grandpa. he shook his head, i asked him where the angels were, he made a circle with his small hand in the air. the spirit of comfort i felt at that moment was a witness to me he was right.
tuesday met us with a phone call. he was rested, the dialysis had cleared his blood and body of toxins and he was breathing on his own. we rushed to get ready for the day, and packed up the car. i was taking the children back to las vegas, back to school, soccer, singing and a normal routine. we received a text from justin, he's sitting up, telling jokes! we got the kids in the car and up to the second floor as soon as we could. and there he was, sitting up and he smiled when he saw the children enter the room. we were quickly shooed out of the room as they needed to preform some tests and administer some medicine but the feeling in the waiting room was one of anticipation, even the kids felt it and were jumping around.

 eric and dylan leaving the hospital after visiting grandpa

eric and i at robert's bedside, photo taken by the 2yr old dylan

we have been given a miracle. we walked into the room and spent the next hour talking, listening, holding and crying together. i left from the hospital with tears of gratitude and love. those tears come freely now as we continue to pray with faith as robert stays at the hospital and continues to tick of more of those imaginary boxes the surgeon keeps giving us. by no means has this battle been won, but our prayers have been answered, we have been given more time with a father, grandfather and father in law whom we love dearly. eric is still in utah and has been spending most of the time at his father's side. even in this time of sadness, when we all have been frightened at the prospects that lay before us, we have been blessed. prayers have been heard. i come away from this week with renewed faith, with more trust in my heavenly father and the sure knowledge that the most important thing in this life isn't what most of us get distracted with, it is love and family and our relationships with each other. i couldn't possibly count the times i heard the phrase-i love you- this week, and that is pretty amazing.